Jennifer Carroll is a 21 year old actor and writer. She first began writing for the Uxbridge Cosmos in 2007 when she had the opportunity to share her experiences as a Canadian ambassador for an international conference for women in Dubai. At the beginning of 2008, she moved to Ireland to pursue a career in theatre and film. Far From Home is her monthly account on living and working in Dublin.
Previous
Progress
I'm almost afraid to write the words. I'm almost too nervous to see them typed, black and white on a page, staring me in the face.
I'm making progress. Real, tangible, feel-it-in-my-gut-and-see-it-in-my-face progress.
Nearly two years ago I stepped off a plane and into all my insecurities. Grasping onto my convictions concerning art and life, I left behind everything that made me comfortable and fought to claim my piece of the Emerald Isle. I was so optimistically terrified for so long, so scared of failing, yet never really worried that I actually would. The beginning was so driven, so… young.
I'm not sure where it happened, but somewhere in the months after, in that hazy in-between time I fell into a comfortable numbness. I became distracted by the lack of direction and no amount of self propulsion could drive me through the artistic cavity brought on by the recession. I've never experienced so much sluggish hesitation and fear amongst artists. It frightened and intimidated me. I could feel myself fade and dampen, slipping away. I had no control of myself. It was possibly the scariest feeling I've ever experienced.
The doubt engulfing me in the last few months was terrifying. An eventual waver in the conviction in myself left my gut rotting and my mind panicked. Who was I without my surety in direction? Perhaps home, comfort, reliability was what I needed. Maybe I was in the wrong place after all. I valued living abroad, but I ultimately want to be a working actor. If I stay in a place with no theatrical future, I'm only shooting myself in the artistic foot, and then I'm only the fool. And boy, do I hate playing the fool.
What pushed me through was sheer stubborn determination. Determination that went beyond logic. Call it mad if you want to, but it forced me blindly through my recent reservations. I owe that madness my heart.
Because just like that, everything changes. Something shifts, and that one audition, one meeting, one pint transforms into work. Real, tangible work. Progress.
I've begun work with a new theatre company blazing its crest on Dublin. Its artistic directors are young (in fact my age) and so full of passion it bubbles out of them and infects whatever room they enter. Karl and Liana are chiefly concerned with creation. Creation of art that they believe in, that they can share with others willing to listen. I don't deny that theatre is a business, in fact I believe it's a potentially profitable one if handled properly. But it's relieving to meet other artists who just want to create good work. And their work is something I can believe in. It has something to say. It's not senseless or dated or unsubstantial. It's young, passionate, exciting, interactive, spontaneous and thoughtful. Progress.
I can't help but smile when I think that I'll get to help create two shows before Christmas with this ambitious company. And with work spreading into the new year, I can hardly believe the payoff I'll receive over the next months for the work I've put in during the last two years. There's a weathered sort of relief in the opportunity. It means more to me than I think I realize. I need this. I've worked for it, and my hands shake with the release of the tension in fighting for someone to see me. Progress.
So as the weather turns wet and grey, my heart grows brighter and my mind more excited. The strict maintenance of my standards, the tenacity and stubbornness that propped those standards up, the drive propelling me forward… all of that can rest for now. All of it can rest while I stop and recognize what I've earned. I'll raise a pint, savour the taste, then pick the standards and tenacity back up and continue on with them in rehearsal (in rehearsal!) for my first professional acting job in Dublin.
Progress.
